What isn’t often talked about is how hard having a good dating experience can be after living in an abusive situation for so long. When you feel like you’ve almost been conditioned to expect the least from your partner and then someone comes along who triggers you in ways you didn’t even know would be triggers.
Let me rewind a bit…
My marriage wasn’t perfect. I’m sure by the end I wasn’t the easiest person to live with either. But 15 years of not having my emotional needs met while doing everything I could to fulfil his, experiencing sexual and financial abuse, feeling unheard when I’ve tried to communicate and pretending to the outside world that everything was fine and I was so in love because this was what I felt worthy of, what I deserved? It took its toll.
Over the past year I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure myself out, who am I when it’s just me? Can I really do this alone? Turns out the answer to the last one is yes, absolutely I can. It’s harder than I thought it would be, but honestly not all that different. It’s been more difficult learning the financial independence I never experienced before. But so worthwhile. I’m happier than I’ve been in such a long time and I don’t regret making the decision to end things.
The answer to the first question is harder to find. Honestly I’m not yet sure who I am, I’m still figuring it out and I’d like to think I’ll keep growing and figuring things out for a long time. I’ve begun doing things that are just for myself and while my children are my world, I’m allowing space to be me, independent of them. I’ve been reading, I’m starting online courses, I even downloaded Tinder and talked to some guys, realised I wasn’t ready to meet new people so I deleted the app… spent more time working on myself downloaded it again, talked to lots of people and got a few interesting stories out of it! I actually met someone who’s become a pretty good friend, we technically first met in our local Tesco, which is a story for another time – we do joke that he’s a typical tinder guy with his “not ready for a relationship” line. I have since deleted the app once more, I’ve discovered I’m not great at casual relationships and not all that interested in anything serious right now so I’m in a strange sort of limbo where I want company, terrified of being hurt again as I have been in my last relationship but also really don’t want to find myself in a friends with benefits agreement or “situationship”.
My point being that sometimes people come into your life unexpectedly so try to enjoy it! The friendship that’s developing with this guy has triggered me in ways I didn’t know I would be. He listens and I always feel heard. I mentioned casually that I’d been feeling hormonal and he brought me some chocolate, which consequently resulted in me crying over someone being so thoughtful and feeling ridiculous that something so small had affected me so much. Now, hormones definitely could have played a part in this, but he’s been pretty great at listening when I’m having a bad day, offering to help me when I need it and probably lying when he tells me the cake I made tastes good, but I’m letting that slide. He’s helped me in ways I’m not even sure he knows.
Having good experiences after bad can be extremely hard to handle. Whatever shape those come in. I’ll probably find new triggers as I explore more friendships and maybe a relationship at some point in the future.
What to do? Fill your life with people who want to see your bad along with your good. By people who don’t judge you when you tell them how your messed up brain is making you feel. Not by those that just want to “fix you”, but are happy to sit with you in the mess and help you to help yourself get it sorted out. By people who appreciate you for you and enjoy your own brand of crazy. By people who stick around when all you do is try to push them away when you’re hurting. I am lucky to have a few of those in my life. We may all be equally messed up in our own ways, but we are perfectly imperfect.
Mama Needs a Drink! 