!!TRIGGER WARNING!! !!TRIGGER WARNING!! !!TRIGGER WARNING!!
I was originally going to write about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, and their tumultuous deformation court case. In fact, I did write something. A long thing. Then I decided it was best to wait until the case was over, and to analyse as well as talk about the actions and consequences. But so much mess has come out of that, I really don’t know where to start with the whole thing. And now itās already got a film and TV series!
Anyone who has not been living under a rock has heard something about this case from 2022. Whether they wanted to or not – and there was, and still is, a huge amount of the global population that just do not care. I really thought that I wouldn’t. They are rich, somewhat entitled, people who decided to drag each other through the courts. They are trained in lying – and get paid handsomely for our pleasure in watching them play-pretend. I quite like some films with Johnny Depp, I can think of only of one film I have seen Amber Heard in – and she wasn’t that great in it. I know her name purely in relation to dating, marrying, divorcing, accusing, and then suing Johnny Depp. I had no interest in either of their cases or reasons. I knew nothing until the last defamation suit – and I say that in all knowledge (now) that there was a suit against a British newspaper – I can’t remember which one, but I’d bet anything it was The S*n or the Daily Fail.
But then I got interested, and there was a valid reason for this. And this is why a TW is in place. I got interested because the outcome would affect #MeToo. And it has affected it. In so many ways. The #MeToo movement was a stepping stone to raise our voices and scream out to the world. A beacon to make the world hear us. We needed, still need, people to see. People who have been blinded into believing it was our fault that we were harassed. Our fault that we were assaulted. Our fault for the catcalling, the wolf whistling, the bottom pinching, the grouping, the inappropriate conversations, the unsolicited dick pics. We need those who never have to deal with this problem (predominately men) to hear us and to stand with us. It worked, a little. Just a little.
There will be people who will see Mr Depp being abused by a woman – a smaller woman (as the defence used to keep stating, as if Ms Heard’s size and stature has anything to do with it) – as a reason to oppose #MeToo; as a way to justify the continuation of this abhorrent act upon other human lives. There will be people who will continue to not believe those who are abused and assaulted because a famous person lied on the stand. Now, I want you to know that, although the court has ruled in Johnny’s favour, I am very much in the camp of ‘both did some wrongs, and they were both wronged too’. But, as the case was going on, I did tend to lean to Johnny’s version of events. But we must remember, as I stated earlier, they are both paid to be liars, and they are both good at it – that’s why they are in Hollywood.
So here’s the thing. I grew up in a slightly Evangelical way, but not fully fundamentalist. Sex before marriage = wrong. But for ourselves alone, without condemnation for others. Divorce = wrong. Again, for ourselves without condemnation for others. Tattoos & body piercings = wrong, but only after you have become Saved. Other religions = wrong and you needed to help “show them the Way”. Abortion = wrong, wrong, wrong – even in the face of rape, incest or health of the child/mother. Homosexuality = wrong for yourself, okay for others as long as they donāt act upon it. I had no clue what trans-anything meant. I understood drag as an artform – I’d seen it on TV and at panto many a time. But as a lifestyle, I didn’t know it was a thing. And yes, I was brought up to think it was a lifestyle. And I just want to make this clear. The ‘without condemnation’ bit didn’t stop gossiping about and condemning other believers, or anyone really, behind their backs. ‘Without condemnation’ only involved to their faces and faces of their loved ones. You will soon learn, I no longer think this way. At all.
So you may be wondering why I had to tell you the above, and there is a reason. That reason is that with beliefs like that – and there are many more who have even stronger conservative/fundamentalist beliefs than what I was brought up with – you become complicit. You become part of the problem by having a ‘Jesus-Husband-Wife-Children-Others‘ mindset. By believing that men are more “special/important” than women (and I say this knowing that we had female leadership at our Church, but still believed men were the number one mortals), we are allowing atrocities to happen across the world that are violating the rights of females. We are also perpetrating to the myth that men are stronger than women, so only men can be attackers and only women can become the victims. I understand that this is sounding very binary, and of course there is a scale of binary to non-binary; but not in the world I grew up in! And for the record – my ignorance, and lack of knowledge, of the world meant that I was also a part of the problem. In many different things, but we are solely focusing on this one issue for this post.
I was once told by a work colleague that their son was a product of rape in an alleyway beside a pub. My initial reaction was to say how horrible that must have been, my internal monologue was wondering what she had done to cause him to do that. When I was dealing with a break-up (that got messy due to my after-the-fact belief that he was cheating, a friend (who I later believed had been the cheatee) told me how they had been abused by a neighbour when they were a child. My initial response was not to know what to say, my internal monologue was saying “how could this happen to a Christian, to a Christian family; what sin had they done?”.
See? See?! Part of the problem!
#MeToo has been fantastic. It’s raised the game in shining a light on abuse. It’s also shone a light on all those enablers who claim the victims are liars and fakers, or worse still claim it can’t happen because they are ugly or (even worse) a man. I fully agree that abuse can go both ways – the Depp/Heard case has proven this. Johnny was very brave to stand up and say this happened to me. I still say there were lies told on both sides, but it would have affected his status in deep ways. Just as it did with Brendan Fraser, who was ostracised from his career because how can a male action hero have been sexually abused?
When #MeToo came to the forefront of public knowledge, the chatter around this was huge. How many of us typed #MeToo into their statues? How many of us didn’t have the guts? How many of us hadnāt even realised that we were/are victims? How many of us still donāt even know? How many of us championed someone’s truth? How many of us thought “they’re lying”? Had this movement come in the 90s or early 00s, I would not only of thought some of them were lying. And it was only this movement that made me realise what had happened to myself.
But what this boils down to affects womenās rights. The #MeToo movement, if you like. There arenāt many women who could legitimately state something hadnāt happened to them at some point in their lives. The problem is a lot of women wonāt realise they are #MeToo survivors. As women, we are taught that “we are for the purpose of men”. We were taught that only promiscuous women [read prostitutes] have a sex drive and we were for the pleasure of men and men alone. We donāt have a say over our own bodies (see the Taliban, Saudi Arabia and the like, or simply the United States). It is only recently that a doctor would actually talk to the female patient without directing it at her husband or father. We are taught to obey our fathers (and brothers) and submit to our husbands. We are taught if a man sexually abuses us, we are to blame. We are told if a partner abuses us, we made it happen. We, the victim, asked for āitā.
Aside: what is āitā? Does anybody know? Has anyone tried to find out?
The above paragraph makes it sound like I don’t believe men can be harassed and abused. Of course I do and of course they can. It can happen to all humans – men, women, any that are not binary; to all sexualities – hetero, homosexual, and all those in between (that sounds slightly insensitive, but there are so many to mention – they make up a beautiful, shining, magnificent rainbow); and to any age group.
Personally, I have three instances of harassment.
The first instance, emotional abuse from hubs#1, resulted in me attending therapy. Two different therapists – one through university with a trainee therapist, one through the Church with one of the leaders’ wife who had just passed certified training. University therapist helped me realise that I needed out of my marriage, Church therapist made me realise I needed out of that Church. I realised that I had been lying to myself and others about his behaviour and that I could not allow my children to grow up in a family where [at least] one parent was miserable and manipulated. The only comeuppance was that hubs#1 ended up a divorced, part-time dad who went from partner to partner within weeks of each other; whereas I became happily married to hubs#2 (we still have our moments, as I am sure all partnerships do).
With the second instance, it was only recently that I realised what actually happened. I had not long discovered my sexual needs. *My* needs, not my husband’s needs. So I was stupid (on this occasion). I went back to his house after a date. We were kissing, he started to remove my jeans, I said I was on my period (I was), he pulled off my jeans and stuck it in my arse. I was kind of in shock, but I didn’t stop it (which we are led to believe is not rape, but that we actually “wanted” it) but I hadn’t wanted it to happen. There was no consent given, but my limited sexual experiences and education (well done 90s PE teachers using the word vagina to mean the whole of female anatomy, and Church that makes you believe that sex is for procreation only) meant I didn’t know what to do. We did go on a second date, where I did consent (this would also make people believe that the initial encounter was not assault). I cannot even remember his name or what he looks like. I met him via POF.
The third instance was in work. A work colleague who kept trying to touch me (arm, shoulder, leg, hair), or trying to hug me, or pulling my wheelie chair closer to him, or declarations of love / asking me to marry him – both in a joking way, then more sinisterly with “remember I know where you live and what time your husband works”. I told one person at work, he told me he had never noticed but would keep an eye on when we were working together. Then one day, in front of 15 security cameras, he was holing a grabber – you know, the ones that you use to grab things that you can’t reach – and aimed it at my breasts and vaginal area. He didn’t stop when I asked. No one noticed, or at least claimed they didn’t. I reported it to my manager. They never watched the security tapes. Nothing happened. Manager then asked me if I wanted them to talk to the harasser about the incidents on my behalf. I said no because of the awkwardness that would involve. I had to work with him on almost every shift. A few weeks later, he was being derogatory about how tired I looked. It possibly was said with concern, I did not take it that way. I snapped and screamed at him in front of a lot of colleagues. I stormed to other side of the room, to where my ally was and cried. The duty manager went to him first, the supervisor to me. She took me away to the office, the duty manager followed. The manager joined later. The manager admitted she knew already, the duty manager said “but he’s got a girlfriend now”, and the supervisor looked like she was going to knock their heads together and said she would make sure I was never alone with him again – and that she’d tell the other two supervisors and two duty managers the same. I eventually reported it to a consultant who worked for the company, she suspended the harasser and launched an investigation. He was suspended (with pay) for 10 weeks while the investigation took place. The manager tried to claim I lied about when I told them and why I’d said not to say anything, one of my witness claimed they had no idea what I was going on about. My ally told me that it was happening to another married woman too, but they wouldn’t report it – even though I had already come forward. The consultant was not happy when she found out he was returning to work without discipline; I cried for 10 minutes while making the bed. #MeToo helped me feel empowered to report instance number 3 to my superiors. In all cases, nothing was filed with the police.
I know a lot of people, predominately white men or white, evangelical women, have tried to say that this movement is not helping real victims. They try to make out there are different levels of victim. That it is dependant on what you wear, or how much you’ve drank, or where you were, or what you have done in your past, or that you are a male/trans, or that you aren’t straight. The list feels endless in the ways that they try to not believe you. Try to blame you, the victim, for what happened. And this televised court case, between highly trained actors, falls into this category. They claim that Amber was a gold digger, jealous and angry that Johnny’s fame didn’t boost the scripts coming through the door for her. They claim because she also said vile things, it was somehow deserved. They say because she hit Johnny [claimed to be in defence of her sister, Whitney] that she must have been the abuser. All these things she did may be true, but that doesn’t mean she was not a victim herself. He still said he wanted to f**k her burnt corpse!
It feels like everyone has an opinion on this. I read an article by an ex-detective claiming Amber was lying due to her facial expressions. I read another article where Amberās acting coach claimed she could not cry on demand. There have been ex-girlfriend’s of Johnny’s who have stated he was obsessive and violent, and other’s who have stated he is a non-violent man. Various celebrities have chosen a side. Warner Bros picked a side (they fired Depp from Fantastic Beasts, kept Heard in Aquaman (due to Jason Momoa & James Wan) but testified that they considered a replacement). The brand of make up Amber claimed to use as her ābruise kitā came out and said they didnāt manufacture that particular product until after their divorce was settled. Only the two of them know the truth, what really happened. But one thing is absolutely clear – they had (still have) a toxic relationship. They are both victims.
Most recently, we have the trial of Danny Masterson (who has ruined That ’70s Show, as he played my favourite character). Three women came forward, becoming a SP (suppressive person) with their “religion”. Throughout this time, the Jane Doe’s were harassed by Scientologists. And although the two of the three victims, who went to trial, won their cases. But it was the support that Masterson got from other celebrities that I want to focus on for a moment. He was convicted. He was sentenced to 30 years – life. And people still wrote about him being a role model and that he respected women! You may think you know a person, you may have worked closely, continued with friendship. But unless you are a part of their lives behind closed doors – you do not really know that person. How they are to your face, is not how they are to another persons face. He had already been convicted and due for sentencing. He had been proven as a rapist and abuser. And yet they still advocated for the the non-victim. That is not being on the side of victims. And this is why it is so hard for victims to come forward. Because of this very thing. But for all the people supporting Masterson, there were two stand outs among the celebrities who stood up for victims – Christina Ricci and Kathy Griffin. You can read the full letters of support (that my guess is, certain celebrities did not expect to become public knowledge) here and here.
And then we have Russell Brand. He has denied all allegations between 2006 and 2013. But a lot in the business have come forward to say that they would not be surprised if it is true. Daniel Sloss, being the only person to not be anonymous in the C4 Dispatches investigation. Aside: Daniel is incredibly funny, and I recommend watching him live.
So how do we tackle this. Well, it’s a tough one. Seriously tough. We have made it to 2023 and we still have people blaming the victim, siding with the oppressor. It’s like when Brett Kavanaugh got away with a historic attempted sexual assault on Christine Blasey Ford. Including when the then-POTUS mocked her at a rally or victim blamed Blasey Ford by tweeting if it happened why didn’t she, or her loving parents, come forward at the time. Or when then-POTUS was recorded saying heād grab them by the pussy. Or CK Louis trying to claim he didnāt realise masturbating in front of others wasnāt consensual or comfortable; but finally acknowledging that the claims were true. Or anything nepotism-actor Armie Hammer did within his whole load of mess & controversy! This is just a small amount of what we are up against. And for all the positivity around victims that the media gives, it also does not help matters at all. Alanna Vagianos talks about it in a Huffpost article back in May 2022, discussing the media circus around Depp v Heard, and the chilling consequences that it could have on domestic violence survivors. There is also a good article from the Guardian’s Martha Gill, also May 2022, about listening to imperfect victims – something that victim-blame will not want you to do, and use this particular case to their advantage. But another article talks through some common sense points that people were overlooking in their need to pick sides over Depp and Heard.
If you’ve made it this far – thanks. But my last word on this is, believe the victims. Believe us. There are so many cases that go unreported purely because of the hate, the vitriol, the mocking aimed at us victims. And it is making us wary. It is traumatising us. It is affecting our mental health. It is affecting our physical health. It is killing us. And we will not be silenced anymore!
If you have been affected by anything in the above article, please contact one of the following charities for help and advise:
Mama Needs a Drink! 